i'm

worried about her.

like, 

real worried.

i love her.

it kills me that i can't just make the bad stuff go away.

Man

I sit here in a chair all day, and yet, my mind is constantly wandering.

To memories made recently,

To worries of losing this,

To what's to come,

To coming nights we've made plans.

And i feel horrible for holding myself back.

I would call her,

but i don't want to interrupt her life.

and when she calls, i have to let her go quickly

or i'll talk for as long as possible 

and find myself driving to her instinctively.

Harnessing and muzzling these feelings kills me.

Why must i muzzle them?

Because.

I know if i don't, I'll rush into this too fast.

And we'll both find ourselves in a helpless situation

A young married couple with no solid money.

So i have to rationalize with myself.

And it KILLS ME.

I want to hold her as i fall asleep at night.

I want to wake up and see her soft face.

I want to call her my wife.

SO MUCH.

But I can't do that to her right now.

I can't financially.

I can't.

I know i'm not mature enough yet to put us in that spot.

I've yet to grow into the man she needs me to be.

to quote a poet,

"Like David, I want to be a man after God's own heart.

I'm not there yet, but I'm past the start,

And when people talk, I try to listen.

A spirit of compassion.

That's my vision.

I want to be loved,

and have love,

and give love.

And not just that romantic kind either.

Although I am waiting for that beauty.

Not helpless, but wants to be rescued.

The damsel in distress, 

Man

Woman

Myth

TRUE

I will fight for her,

Climb the highest tower for her

Love her,

Share with her,

Delight in her,

Be her warrior,

Her protector.

She will be my crown,

And i will be hers.

My masculinity will be passed down and affirmed to my sons.

And each of my daughters will know that they are lovely,

And deserving of authentic romance."

that's what is on my heart.

those clothes are still soaked.

the show last night was the best we've ever played. we owned that crowd. no contest. and sharing a stage with such an amazing band is one of the biggest honors of my life so far. seriously

and after the show was memorable. it really was. waffle house was chill. the park was chiller. the parking lot was better than both of those. holding her in my arms feels so right. that's where i want to be. always. 

today, i went to a funeral for a guy i sort of grew up with/around. and it' crazy. so many people were there. and such a somber tone. i thought alot during the service. about who'd be at my funeral, who's funerals i'd be at, who's funerals i never want to have to choose to go to. and i almost cried when i thought about the fact that i may have to go to my future wife's funeral one day. and i was terrified. i still am. even if it's fifty something years from now. i'll still be terrified of living knowing she's gone. idk. it's been a bad day.

i guess thats what i get after an amazing night though right?

either way, 

i love her.

i think mayday parade said it almost perfectly.

i really wish

she knew how i feel about her. 

i tell her, 

but she seemingly refuses to believe me. 

and i mean it with all i am.

i want to be where she is.

i'm in love with who she is.

i really am.

no holds barred.

and it's so scary.

but i am.