house

really brought me to a dry point.
here's a quick synopsis of my romantic year so far.

i'd chased a girl (A) for around six months, and with almost no avail since she has a bad trust issue and i had a bad lying problem. but she left for two months, and i moved in with some friends who introduced me to another girl (B) who has a boyfriend at bootcamp who had been leaving her unhappy. B and i hit it off thanks to a drunken night. and i began backing away from A when she needed me most, in an effort to be here for B who was struggling on whether to stay with boyfriend or follow me down this rabbit hole. tonight, after about a month of an atropied relationship with A, B tells me she and boyfriend patched things up and she's happy again. so now, i feel swept away. i want so bad to chase A again, but don't deserve to. i'm a horrible romantic interest, let alone friend.

now, tonight i watched the latest episode of HOUSE, where he realizes his medicine is atropying communication between his left and right brain, causing his left brain to create hallucinations in order to give his right brain the medication. and i feel as though, this relates to my current situation. yet, i don't know exactly how. maybe it's a realization i've just had, and i correlate the realization in the episode. idk, but what i've found, is, or at least, what theory i've come up with is,

B has used me simply to feel close to a male figure. and i'm new, so, its okay. idk exactly how to react. i've treated this girl like a princess, and she's shown me sides of her nobody's seen. now we've got an odd connection, and i don't know how to treat this. any advice would be much appreciated.

so this is summer

and i love it. i'm generally happier and more responsible than i've ever been. except, the drummer of my favorite band has apparently abandoned them. that's a real bummer, but i guess God's got a plan in here somewhere. idk. my conquests confuse me. why do i fall hardest for the girls not available? it's like some sort of twisted self torture. i know i can get mentally and personably clsoe to them without physicality complicating things, so i do, then i fall for them, and want that physicality, but can't bring myself to ask them to betray their men. but i still feel like a shitty person for hinting at that. which i should. i just wish i had more integrity.