this is crap. there's a damn storm. and a kid dies. the only time i'd be able to work this out. it always happens like this. i'm honestly looking forward to something good, and everything outside my control comes around to kick my in the ass. 20mph winds. oh my god. i get worse driving on the highway. 

and, not to be unsympathetic, but people die. that's the ting about this life. it's temporary. live it to the fullest. don't cower in fear of the reaper. face it head on and know that you've got the God of the universe on your side. sure, don't be reckless, but don't bunker down for wind and rain. 

this whole thing just pisses me off.

oh and you have to build stuff before a storm. 

makes sense.

first day of school

alrighty. first day. and i'm sick. haha sorry for all you kids who have to put up with me.

lucky?

apparently i'm lucky. well, i am. but not for the reason a friend gave me. he said i was "a lucky man to be able to let your guard down like that." is that really luck though? maybe. i mean, im lucky enough to find the girl who i am so swept away by that i realize there's no reason for a guard to be up or held up. but on the other hand, i've never really been on to put a huge guard up. sure, there's different faces. the work face that's always upbeat and chipper, the parents face that's always just kinda there but interactive at the same time, the bro face that's all about jokes, and the real face. the real face comes out more around her. but it's me.all the faces are me. just different aspects. but lucky to be able to let a guard down? really? i thought that was just confident. maybe carelessness? the period when you don't care what anyone thinks about what you have to say because what you say is genuine and from the heart and about what you love and cherish. that's about where i am. 

on another note, we're completely awesome. we had a "fight" going on. like, she was talking about something saying she wins, i was talking about the same thing saying i win. but, we were both thinking that the other was thinking about something else. confusing i know, but it got pretty intense at one point, then all the walls came down. and we're better than ever. i love that i can be completely blunt and perverted with her. and she not only understands, but laughs along. genuinely appreciating the crude humor. it makes me feel like i've finally found the woman i can wake up to everyday. i mean, i want to show her how much i love her. and i think that'll take the rest of my life, so i guess waking up next to her would make showing her easier, since we'd be around each other more, but it really really hit me tonight. in the most random time. like, she said she wanted to go on a diet. i told her tomorrow i'm going to stuff her face. we both fell apart laughing. that's when i knew. i could see her everyday and never get tired of it. i do anyway, her reflection shimmers in every good thing that i see. so there's that. 

now, i'm finally going to sleep. it's 2:01AM. and i'm waking up at 8:30? haha. oh well. 

so last night, i was ecstatic. i got to see, hold, hug, dance with, joke with, kiss, and love on the love of my life. yet, this guy, who i know poses no threat, kept throwing me off. he'd come around, and i'd clam up. idk why. i'm just really scared of her leaving for someone who treats her better. and can see her every day. but she says she's not leaving. i sure hope not. man. this love thing, it hurts. but i guess that's how it goes. well, i'm off to lunch with the family. 

sarah pearl espy williams, i absolutely adore everything about you. 

god i miss her.

i had a semi life changing experience today. for the worse immediately, but it'll be better for me in the end. i know. but my heart is burning. i want to just be able to hear her voice. to see her face. to touch her hand. no phone. no AIM. no email. no stickam. in person. to feel how she feels. to be around her. and the best thing is, this is only going to make that moment even better. the next time we see eachother. oh man. i'm so excited. she's the sweetest girl i've ever met. i mess things up, and she says she's going to be better for me. i couldn't even ever ask for that. for her to be better? i don't think there's much better she can be. she's been so amazing so far. but i know i'm going to do my best to be able to see her as soon and often as possible. and i'm going to cherish her presence even more. just to be around her. it's such a luxury. to hear her. oh man. i'm sick for this girl. really, and don't hear any infatuation being over indulged here. 

I LOVE HER.

when the big thing happened, she was the only thing i thought of. that her presence would be taken away for a while, it killed me. that she'd have to miss me too, kills me still. but you know, for some reason, i really feel like she's been here with me. on my bike ride. at andrews. at home. i swear. i heard her voice on the road. i saw her when i walked in the bathroom. i can feel her head on my chest when i lay down. i'm so smitten. and i love that. well, i'm gonna go try to call her again. hopefully she's just asleep. and not worrying about me. i'm fine. 

my beach

i love that little place. it's so quiet. perfect for a long long string of conversations laced with passionate rain sprinkled kisses and set to the steady beat of feet walking on railroad tracks. time flew by like the clouds rushing to storm. and i think we stayed longer after we decided to turn around than before. it's funny. i love just being around her. the smell of her perfume. her hand wrapped tight around my three fingers. so small, so powerful. i feel so vulnerable. i've fallen harder than ever. the cold drenched dock sent shivers up my spine. and i got caught smelling where she was at the red light. how embarrassing. but i don't care. she thought it was cute when i told her.  so i guess that's all that matters.

wow

it's funny how life seems to turn it's back on you one minute, then embrace you with loving arms the next. i've noticed this more and more lately. i was at a time in my life a few weeks ago where i was in a downward spiral into a self-loathing, self-destructive place. but the direct attention of one person has somehow realigned my thought process and helped me reaffirm my beliefs. i know it's sad that it took someone else for me to see my self-destructive ways and turn around, and i'm not sure she knows the influence she's had on me. but i'm back in a better place than i've been in in a long long while. there's more room for joy and peace in my heart, and less and less room for angst, hatred, grief, and stupidity. i'm so excited to see where things will lead in the following weeks and months. and this relationship with her seems to click so well. we end up knowing where the other is, how the other feels, and what the other is thinking without even the slightest contact. and it's scary to think that she could be gone in a heartbeat and i'd lose this amazing connection with her, but i can't help but be ever-grateful to the awesome God who created her, brought her to me, and made her feel this attraction towards me. for once in a relationship, i can see myself settling down with someone, having some kids [despite the medical complications], and growing old, leading a happy life into death. 

so that's the spill for now,

now, i'm going to get back to my vivanno.