today is a day of celebration

for another child has come back into the father's hands.

it's crazy how another person finding what they needed can realign everything you're struggling with and bring this overwhelming gratitude and joy to your heart.

i love today.

house

really brought me to a dry point.
here's a quick synopsis of my romantic year so far.

i'd chased a girl (A) for around six months, and with almost no avail since she has a bad trust issue and i had a bad lying problem. but she left for two months, and i moved in with some friends who introduced me to another girl (B) who has a boyfriend at bootcamp who had been leaving her unhappy. B and i hit it off thanks to a drunken night. and i began backing away from A when she needed me most, in an effort to be here for B who was struggling on whether to stay with boyfriend or follow me down this rabbit hole. tonight, after about a month of an atropied relationship with A, B tells me she and boyfriend patched things up and she's happy again. so now, i feel swept away. i want so bad to chase A again, but don't deserve to. i'm a horrible romantic interest, let alone friend.

now, tonight i watched the latest episode of HOUSE, where he realizes his medicine is atropying communication between his left and right brain, causing his left brain to create hallucinations in order to give his right brain the medication. and i feel as though, this relates to my current situation. yet, i don't know exactly how. maybe it's a realization i've just had, and i correlate the realization in the episode. idk, but what i've found, is, or at least, what theory i've come up with is,

B has used me simply to feel close to a male figure. and i'm new, so, its okay. idk exactly how to react. i've treated this girl like a princess, and she's shown me sides of her nobody's seen. now we've got an odd connection, and i don't know how to treat this. any advice would be much appreciated.

so this is summer

and i love it. i'm generally happier and more responsible than i've ever been. except, the drummer of my favorite band has apparently abandoned them. that's a real bummer, but i guess God's got a plan in here somewhere. idk. my conquests confuse me. why do i fall hardest for the girls not available? it's like some sort of twisted self torture. i know i can get mentally and personably clsoe to them without physicality complicating things, so i do, then i fall for them, and want that physicality, but can't bring myself to ask them to betray their men. but i still feel like a shitty person for hinting at that. which i should. i just wish i had more integrity.

here we go

hopefully i can delete this soon

फ्रुस्त्रशन.

सो इ'वे रेसन्त्ली बेकोमे गुड फ्रिएंड्स विथ अ गर्ल। तोनिघ्त, वे वेरे सुप्पोसेद तो हंग आउट, सो इ कान्सलेद प्लान्स विथ अन ओल्ड फ्रेंड। सो फार तोनिघ्त, इ'वे बौघत न्यू पंट्स इन अन एफ्फोर्ट तो लुक मोरे अत्त्रक्टिवे अस तो वू हेर, सैट इन बर्न्स&नोबल्स रीडिंग पोस्त्सेक्रेत बुक्स, व्रित्तें माय ओवन सीक्रेट ओं अन इंडेक्स कार्ड, लेफ्ट आईटी इन अ बुक फॉर सोमोने एल्स तो फंड, एंड बौघत स्तार्बुक्क्स। नो, इ'म सित्तिंग ओउत्सिदे शिवेरिंग बेकाउसे आईटी'स फुल इनसाइड। इ'म तल्किंग तो हेर ओं ऍम, एंड वेटिंग। वे वेरे सुप्पोसेद तो मीत उप थ्री और फौर हौर्स अगो। इ'वे वैतेद अल थिस टाइम, जुस्त बेकाउसे इ दोन'टी वांट तो हंग आउट विथ अन्योने एल्स ठाट'स इन तोवन। अल इ वांट इस फॉर हेर तो वांट तो किस में अस मच अस इ वांट तो किस हेर। इ'म स्टार्टिंग तो थिंक ठाट'ल नेवर हप्पें। आईटी'स सो उप्सेत्तिंग तो थिंक ठाट इ केयर थिस मच अबाउट सोमोने व्हो, फ्रॉम थे लूक्स ऑफ़ थिंग्स, दोएसं'टी केयर हलफ अस मच अबाउट में। नो, शे'स फिनाल्ली रेडी तो हंग आउट। इ'ल गो सिट ओं अ कार विथ हेर शिवेरिंग उन्कोन्त्रोल्लाब्ली, एंड वान्तिंग तो पुश हेर बेक एंड किस हेर। बुत वे'ल प्रोबब्ल्य एंड उप सित्तिंग, स्मोकिंग, एंड तल्किंग। एंड इ'ल नेवर तेल हेर हाउ फ्रुस्त्रतेद इ ऍम रिघ्त नो। इ वांट तो जुस्त स्क्रें फुक्क यू अत हेर, बुत इ'म तू निस ऑफ़ अ परसों तो बे होनेस्त। सुच अ कोन्त्रदिच्शन। वेल, हियर'स अनोठेर निघत ऑफ़ दिसप्पोइन्त्मेन्त.

that mistake of enabling transliteration actually helped me get out what i want to say. without hurting any feelings.

Post Secret: lucky bastard!

Post Secret: lucky bastard!
Originally uploaded by within(Reason)

Post Secret Friend

Post Secret Friend
Originally uploaded by within(Reason)

wow

Flickr

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

i've realized i don't use my resources as much as i could.

and i don't know if that's good or bad. by exploiting all my resources, i could become self-centered, and burn all bridges i have. on the other hand, by not, i could find myself watching my resources withering away. i've been struggling with finding this balance. i wonder sometimes, if we all do this. well, now, i'm off to clean my room...finally.

.

well, it's getting colder, and all i want to do is be able to sleep on a couch with her.

man. i won't have that chance soon. it's depressing to think there'll be around 630 miles separating us. i'm making the absolute most of the time we have left before she leaves. i love her so much. i wish so much that money wasn't tight and i could just pay that off and finalize this. i'm worried out of my mind that she'll find someone better. she tells me she won't. i know she loves me, but i'm still terrified. and i guess that's a good thing though. at least i'm not overly confident and conceited. i think if i wasn't scared, it'd be bad. but yeah. i've been praying for her so she'll have the strength she'll need. i love her. that's all that's been pressing on my mind as of late.

its been a while

and a lot's changed.

for the better i think.

the weather's cold, but our hearts have grown warmer.

life has slowed down as the temperature's dropped,

and i can now see the small things as they pass.

so beautiful, these small quiet moments,

together, apart, physically, it's the same.

she's in my heart. 

i lie awake in hers.

i hope that never changes.

it's those nights that i live for 

long talks on the pier,

losing ourselves in reflections.

i love her.

i'm

worried about her.

like, 

real worried.

i love her.

it kills me that i can't just make the bad stuff go away.

Man

I sit here in a chair all day, and yet, my mind is constantly wandering.

To memories made recently,

To worries of losing this,

To what's to come,

To coming nights we've made plans.

And i feel horrible for holding myself back.

I would call her,

but i don't want to interrupt her life.

and when she calls, i have to let her go quickly

or i'll talk for as long as possible 

and find myself driving to her instinctively.

Harnessing and muzzling these feelings kills me.

Why must i muzzle them?

Because.

I know if i don't, I'll rush into this too fast.

And we'll both find ourselves in a helpless situation

A young married couple with no solid money.

So i have to rationalize with myself.

And it KILLS ME.

I want to hold her as i fall asleep at night.

I want to wake up and see her soft face.

I want to call her my wife.

SO MUCH.

But I can't do that to her right now.

I can't financially.

I can't.

I know i'm not mature enough yet to put us in that spot.

I've yet to grow into the man she needs me to be.

to quote a poet,

"Like David, I want to be a man after God's own heart.

I'm not there yet, but I'm past the start,

And when people talk, I try to listen.

A spirit of compassion.

That's my vision.

I want to be loved,

and have love,

and give love.

And not just that romantic kind either.

Although I am waiting for that beauty.

Not helpless, but wants to be rescued.

The damsel in distress, 

Man

Woman

Myth

TRUE

I will fight for her,

Climb the highest tower for her

Love her,

Share with her,

Delight in her,

Be her warrior,

Her protector.

She will be my crown,

And i will be hers.

My masculinity will be passed down and affirmed to my sons.

And each of my daughters will know that they are lovely,

And deserving of authentic romance."

that's what is on my heart.

those clothes are still soaked.

the show last night was the best we've ever played. we owned that crowd. no contest. and sharing a stage with such an amazing band is one of the biggest honors of my life so far. seriously

and after the show was memorable. it really was. waffle house was chill. the park was chiller. the parking lot was better than both of those. holding her in my arms feels so right. that's where i want to be. always. 

today, i went to a funeral for a guy i sort of grew up with/around. and it' crazy. so many people were there. and such a somber tone. i thought alot during the service. about who'd be at my funeral, who's funerals i'd be at, who's funerals i never want to have to choose to go to. and i almost cried when i thought about the fact that i may have to go to my future wife's funeral one day. and i was terrified. i still am. even if it's fifty something years from now. i'll still be terrified of living knowing she's gone. idk. it's been a bad day.

i guess thats what i get after an amazing night though right?

either way, 

i love her.

i think mayday parade said it almost perfectly.

i really wish

she knew how i feel about her. 

i tell her, 

but she seemingly refuses to believe me. 

and i mean it with all i am.

i want to be where she is.

i'm in love with who she is.

i really am.

no holds barred.

and it's so scary.

but i am.

this is crap. there's a damn storm. and a kid dies. the only time i'd be able to work this out. it always happens like this. i'm honestly looking forward to something good, and everything outside my control comes around to kick my in the ass. 20mph winds. oh my god. i get worse driving on the highway. 

and, not to be unsympathetic, but people die. that's the ting about this life. it's temporary. live it to the fullest. don't cower in fear of the reaper. face it head on and know that you've got the God of the universe on your side. sure, don't be reckless, but don't bunker down for wind and rain. 

this whole thing just pisses me off.

oh and you have to build stuff before a storm. 

makes sense.

first day of school

alrighty. first day. and i'm sick. haha sorry for all you kids who have to put up with me.

lucky?

apparently i'm lucky. well, i am. but not for the reason a friend gave me. he said i was "a lucky man to be able to let your guard down like that." is that really luck though? maybe. i mean, im lucky enough to find the girl who i am so swept away by that i realize there's no reason for a guard to be up or held up. but on the other hand, i've never really been on to put a huge guard up. sure, there's different faces. the work face that's always upbeat and chipper, the parents face that's always just kinda there but interactive at the same time, the bro face that's all about jokes, and the real face. the real face comes out more around her. but it's me.all the faces are me. just different aspects. but lucky to be able to let a guard down? really? i thought that was just confident. maybe carelessness? the period when you don't care what anyone thinks about what you have to say because what you say is genuine and from the heart and about what you love and cherish. that's about where i am. 

on another note, we're completely awesome. we had a "fight" going on. like, she was talking about something saying she wins, i was talking about the same thing saying i win. but, we were both thinking that the other was thinking about something else. confusing i know, but it got pretty intense at one point, then all the walls came down. and we're better than ever. i love that i can be completely blunt and perverted with her. and she not only understands, but laughs along. genuinely appreciating the crude humor. it makes me feel like i've finally found the woman i can wake up to everyday. i mean, i want to show her how much i love her. and i think that'll take the rest of my life, so i guess waking up next to her would make showing her easier, since we'd be around each other more, but it really really hit me tonight. in the most random time. like, she said she wanted to go on a diet. i told her tomorrow i'm going to stuff her face. we both fell apart laughing. that's when i knew. i could see her everyday and never get tired of it. i do anyway, her reflection shimmers in every good thing that i see. so there's that. 

now, i'm finally going to sleep. it's 2:01AM. and i'm waking up at 8:30? haha. oh well. 

so last night, i was ecstatic. i got to see, hold, hug, dance with, joke with, kiss, and love on the love of my life. yet, this guy, who i know poses no threat, kept throwing me off. he'd come around, and i'd clam up. idk why. i'm just really scared of her leaving for someone who treats her better. and can see her every day. but she says she's not leaving. i sure hope not. man. this love thing, it hurts. but i guess that's how it goes. well, i'm off to lunch with the family. 

sarah pearl espy williams, i absolutely adore everything about you. 

god i miss her.

i had a semi life changing experience today. for the worse immediately, but it'll be better for me in the end. i know. but my heart is burning. i want to just be able to hear her voice. to see her face. to touch her hand. no phone. no AIM. no email. no stickam. in person. to feel how she feels. to be around her. and the best thing is, this is only going to make that moment even better. the next time we see eachother. oh man. i'm so excited. she's the sweetest girl i've ever met. i mess things up, and she says she's going to be better for me. i couldn't even ever ask for that. for her to be better? i don't think there's much better she can be. she's been so amazing so far. but i know i'm going to do my best to be able to see her as soon and often as possible. and i'm going to cherish her presence even more. just to be around her. it's such a luxury. to hear her. oh man. i'm sick for this girl. really, and don't hear any infatuation being over indulged here. 

I LOVE HER.

when the big thing happened, she was the only thing i thought of. that her presence would be taken away for a while, it killed me. that she'd have to miss me too, kills me still. but you know, for some reason, i really feel like she's been here with me. on my bike ride. at andrews. at home. i swear. i heard her voice on the road. i saw her when i walked in the bathroom. i can feel her head on my chest when i lay down. i'm so smitten. and i love that. well, i'm gonna go try to call her again. hopefully she's just asleep. and not worrying about me. i'm fine. 

my beach

i love that little place. it's so quiet. perfect for a long long string of conversations laced with passionate rain sprinkled kisses and set to the steady beat of feet walking on railroad tracks. time flew by like the clouds rushing to storm. and i think we stayed longer after we decided to turn around than before. it's funny. i love just being around her. the smell of her perfume. her hand wrapped tight around my three fingers. so small, so powerful. i feel so vulnerable. i've fallen harder than ever. the cold drenched dock sent shivers up my spine. and i got caught smelling where she was at the red light. how embarrassing. but i don't care. she thought it was cute when i told her.  so i guess that's all that matters.

wow

it's funny how life seems to turn it's back on you one minute, then embrace you with loving arms the next. i've noticed this more and more lately. i was at a time in my life a few weeks ago where i was in a downward spiral into a self-loathing, self-destructive place. but the direct attention of one person has somehow realigned my thought process and helped me reaffirm my beliefs. i know it's sad that it took someone else for me to see my self-destructive ways and turn around, and i'm not sure she knows the influence she's had on me. but i'm back in a better place than i've been in in a long long while. there's more room for joy and peace in my heart, and less and less room for angst, hatred, grief, and stupidity. i'm so excited to see where things will lead in the following weeks and months. and this relationship with her seems to click so well. we end up knowing where the other is, how the other feels, and what the other is thinking without even the slightest contact. and it's scary to think that she could be gone in a heartbeat and i'd lose this amazing connection with her, but i can't help but be ever-grateful to the awesome God who created her, brought her to me, and made her feel this attraction towards me. for once in a relationship, i can see myself settling down with someone, having some kids [despite the medical complications], and growing old, leading a happy life into death. 

so that's the spill for now,

now, i'm going to get back to my vivanno.

these past two weeks

have been amazing.

i'm so excited to live on my own.

despite the monetary side of it.

i'm excited.

now, time to pack and go back under the motherbird's wing.

whoo.....